Friday, September 19, 2003


As we speak, LARGE SWARTHY MEN are tearing my house APART! They are ARMED with PAINT ROLLERS and presumably PAINT! They have shown nothing but CALOUS DISREGARD for our POSSESSIONS and our CATS! I have no choice but to COMPLAIN and periodically write needlessly in BLOCK CAPS! When I go home, I look FORWARD to paint FUMES and HIDING in the one or two rooms that have escaped this CATACLYSM!

Time for UPDATES! Work has been BUSY and DISTRESSING, much in the same way that it was to hear about GIANT GUINEA PIGS that will come from the past and DEVOUR us all!

In other news, CONGRATULATIONS to my buddy MATT who, unlike the DIXIE CHICKS, managed to avoid CRASHING AND BURNING in his marathon RECENTLY. Well done! Matt is celebrating by gorging on MASS QUANTITIES of HAGGIS, THAI MUSSELS, and RAW FISH.

Do not PANIC! Thrunderstorm ISABELLE might cause extreme SUN and mild WIND in the Ottawa Valley! Our ONLY HOPE is to find a bicycle, a rowboat, several COWS, and members of the rock band TOTO to re-enact scenes of THE WIZARD OF OZ before it's too LATE! Never mind that it was a TORNADO in the movie!

I have FINISHED drinking my CAN of diet SPRITZ-UP! I am now THIRSTY and mildly ANNOYED.

In other news, MAD SCIENTISTS have designed a LASER the size of an ATOM! Now you can burn the RETINAS of all your FRIENDS without all the bulky weight! Next stop: LIGHTSABERS!

More UPDATES as they're WARRANTED! Feel FREE to sing a few verses of CHERRY PIE while you're WAITING!