Tuesday, October 29, 2002


Checking my page stats, here are some of my favourite search queries which brought some poor, unsuspecting web surfers to my less-than-helpful web page. A little window into what people were thinking about at that specific point in time....Maybe one of these people is you!


    pictures monkey lab coat computer: Nothing's funnier to me than the idea of a monkey-mad-scientist playing with his little potions and squealing with glee when the other monkey-scientists get sprayed with hydrochloric acid. No, really. And if he had a little laptop computer, too? Pure gold, baby.

    the chugging monkey: Yeah, I haven't had my fix of monkeys getting sauced on moonshine, today....help me, Google! You're my only hope!

    drunk monkey clothing: Quit it, already! what's with people looking for drunken primates?

    monkey magazine holder: What better way to store your issues of Simian Monthly than a classically-fashioned, bronze-plated monkey magazine holder? Now available from the Franklin Mint.

    monkey movie shorts: Is this a pair of shorts printed with famous monkeys from movies, or short movies featuring monkeys? I can only cross my fingers and hope for the former, because I could really go for a pair featuring that delightful little scamp from Outbreak.

    monkey with a cold: Well, this is self-explanatory. Everyone likes pictures of monkeys coughing up phlegm.

    elvis firefighter helicopter: Uhhhhhhh....yeah. These three words don't seem to go together properly. Kinda like "monkey," "pan-flute," and "helicopter." Maybe I'm onto something here.

    funny helicopter sounds: ....like "PTTTHHHBBBBTTTTTT" and "CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP" and "We're losing hydraulic pressure! Hold onto your seats!" Pure hilarity.

    elastic powered helicopter: Helicopters can be powered by fricken' elastics? Good freakin' lord! If only I had known, I would have built one in my garage a long time ago. And yet, this is not a helicopter that I would want to be a passenger on. Fortunately, I think they're looking for a toy.

    crappy helicopter: Well, obviously. Who'd want to learn about cool helicopters if you could learn about crappy ones? Be the first on your block to be able to name all of the crappy helicopters in the world!

Full-on Lunacy!

    nude queen's student: A new spin on porn! Lost touch with your chums and roommates from university? Search for them online....only naked! This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

    rob schneider's tiny elvis: As I take it, this is a pocket-sized, shrunken clone produced from dead hair follicle cells retrieved from one of Elvis Presley's personal combs, now owned by Rob Schneider. What else could it possibly be? Frightening. I can see this freakishly-small elvis running amok in Graceland, biting the tourists' legs and shrieking for fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches at the top his diminutive little lungs while Rob Schneider shouts "You can DO it!" in the background with a bad spanish accent.

    nude flute pictures: Oooooh, yeah, baby. Take it all off......oh, yeah. Oh, your polished finish....so shiny.....and your mouthpiece....I love it when you do that. Would "nude flute" constitute any flute outside of its case? Is there a lot of "flute porn" on the internet? Is there any money in it? I have a lot of questions about this. Weirdest fetish ever, I swear.

    ryan dunn's ex girlfriend: Who on earth is Ryan Dunn? And why would I know anything about his ex-girlfriend? And why wouldn't this savvy web-surfer search for her by name? Sorry I couldn't help you more with your wierd-ass vague web search, there.

    mike patton peeing: I cannot imagine why anyone would want this. It's just wrong. So very wrong. I mean, seriously.


Not one single search for my name was recorded in the past 30 days! I'm so disappointed, people! And yet I recorded "mike patton peeing", fer chrissakes!

...And my search for fame and fortune continues.


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