Wednesday, September 18, 2002

The Osbournes

The Osbournes have made their big debut on CTV primetime. I have to admit I was curious about this show. What's the attraction? Is it as funny as they say? Do I really need to know the nuts and bolts of Ozzy's dysfunctional personal life?

Having watched the first two episodes of the show, the answers to my questions are a) I can't explain it, b) yup, funny, in a gruesome, "what the fuck?" kind of way, and c) no, not at all, but they must be one of the strangest families in Hollywood, and if they aren't, it's one screwed up place.

The first episode involved their move into their new house, complete with cardboard boxes with "dead things" and "devil heads" written on the side, and Ozzy running around looking for a rifle so he could attach the bayonet he "found" to its muzzle. Viewers were also offered the treat of Ozzy, cross-eyed, strung out and drooling on himself, mashing at a remote control with his twisted fingers and yelling profanities at the TV screen when he couldn't get it to work. And who could forget his ham-headed son, Jack, running around pretending to be GI Joe, with full combat webbing and helmet? Oh wait, it gets he's stabbing cardboard boxes with the aforementioned bayonet! I mean, come on! Sure, I dressed up as Batman when I was a kid, but I was five! He's 16!

By the second episode, I was getting a little tired of it. The initial "this is so fucked up that it's making me laugh" reaction was soon replaced with a feeling of "this is so fucked up that it's starting to turn my stomach." In this gem of an episode, the family went into an in-depth expose on the defecatory and urinary habits of their wide variety of small yappy dogs. For me, the highlight was when the bulldog crapped on the carpet near the back door of their home. I can't say that I've ever really watched a dog crapping on TV before. I'd rather not see it again, thanks. I know they crap, I've cleaned up after crapping dogs personally, but when you're all curled up on the couch trying to unwind after a busy day, who wants to see that? The real highlight for me was Ozzy sitting up at the kitchen counter in a terrycloth bathrobe, painting a paint-by-numbers set of a sad clown. Prince of darkness, indeed.

One has to wonder how Sharon, the foul-mouthed mother, puts up with the rest of them. Ozzy's so cracked out that I swear he has to wear diapers. His daughter, Kelly, throws a screaming fit every thirty seconds, and if she isn't screaming, she's usually opening her big fat mouth and spewing idiocy. And Jack's a complete ass. That pretty much sums him up. Their house is full of the most gaudy crap I've ever seen in one place at one time. "How about a six foot model of the Eiffel Tower, all in glass beads?" "Where do I sign?" "You know what would really make this room work? A giant gold crucifix!" "Whoa, you're so right!" Meanwhile, the army of yappy dogs tears all their furniture to shreds. Ah, the lives of the rich and mind-numbingly stupid.

If you're curious, check it out, although I'd recommend keeping it to one episode, if you do. Half an hour's worth is about my threshold. It's absolutely insane, but you can't help but laugh at them, if not with them. I guess that's the whole point, really.


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