Four Life Lessons I Learned This Weekend

LESSON 1: To prevent getting Swimmer's Ear after swimming in the body of water of your choice (in my case, my grandmother's swimming pool), you can use a hair dryer to evaporate any water that gets stuck in your ears. Set it to cool or warm and hold it 18 inches away from your ear. Give it a minute and you're good to go. Not recommended: Shooting an industrial-sized super-soaker point blank at your ear canal to test the theory.

LESSON 2: Hot-shot young lawyers in movies ALWAYS drive classic cars. Emphasis here is on classic muscle cars and sports cars. Convertibles are also a good bet. Not recommended: souped-up Chevettes with fully-customized drag-racing kit.

LESSON 3: Announcing to the world that you have had pinkeye immediately begets you the nickname of "Pinky." Not recommended: avenging your honour by holding people down while trying to rub your oozing eye on them. Actually, forget that. I recommend it wholeheartedly.

LESSON 4: Eating KFC has consequences. Use this knowledge wisely. Not recommended: KFC.