Tuesday, April 18, 2006


There's a new kool-aid ad campaign out there, stop me if you've heard this one. As I see it, the story goes something like this: the nice people at Kraft foods resurrect kool-aid man, dust him off, and then promptly strand his zombie, liquid-filled ass on a desert island. Bear with me, here.

And then, without any explanation, a plane full of children (possibly also piloted by children) flies overhead. They spot kool-aid man's misleading message ("S.U.S.") and mis-read it as a weak attempt at calling for help. Apparently the kids missed the all-important Grade-1 class where they should have learned the difference between the letter "U" and the letter "O". Miraculously, they find the means to land their adolescent airliner and rush to kool-aid man's *ahem* aid.

So the kids arrive on the beach, ready to rescue kool-aid man, but instead, all he wants to do is hawk his crappy little single-serving packets of fruit-flavoured dust. Kool-aid man has baited and fooled the kids again! The only logical course of action is to throw a spontaneous party. Coconuts are hollowed out, kids are swinging on vines, and merriment ensues.

Now, as plausible as all of this must sound to you, I still have some unanswered questions --how come kool-aid man needs to wear pants? And when they're done partying, do the kids fly away on their plane and leave kool-aid man behind, biding his time until the next jet full of children wanders into his island's airspace? These are important questions.

I think I have too much time on my hands.


At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I'd like to know is why in the old Koolaid commercials everyone's happy to see Koolaid man. If a pitcher of Koolaid came crashing through the wall of my apartment I might get a little smashy, if you know what I mean.

At 10:55 AM, Blogger Andrew said...

And the dude's skin is completely made of glass, he should watch himself. A few well-placed whacks with a baseball bat and he's reduced to a pile of sticky shards of broken glass.


And if he's made of glass, how does he manage to break through the wall in the first place? Wouldn't he just shatter on impact?

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Sara and Scott said...

Maybe he's made of plexi-glass?

But yeah, if a giant pitcher of Kool-Aid came smashing through the wall of my house/place of business, I would at least look scared/surprised instead of overjoyed and exuberant.

And what the hell does SUS even stand for? I haven't been able to figure that part out.

And that kid who swings on the vine... he swings like, 30 cms. How lame is he?

Yeah, the commercial bothers me too.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger Andrew said...

Stirrin' Up Singles, apparently. At best, it's misrepresentation of a known distress call, and at worst it's criminal negligence and endangerment of the lives of all of those innocent children. What if the plane crashed on descent? It'd take a whole lot of packets of kool-aid to make that lawsuit go away with their grieving parents -- and I doubt that they'd throw a kool-aid party once the dust settles.

At 6:27 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I'd guess he's made of pyrex glass, which is surprisingly strong, but in no way would it be able to crash through walls. Sketchy.

I worry about the generations of impressionable kids who, after seeing these commercials will think that when they are actually traped on a island and in need of rescue will be sending out "SUS" signals which will of course be ignored.

At 10:23 PM, Blogger Sara and Scott said...

I dunno, I'd answer an SUS.... If it were written in giant letters somewhere... I'd figure they were just retarded stranded people... and then I'd mock them.

Stirrin Up Singles? Okay, so yeah, totally sounds like a Dating Service.


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